My whole first marriage I was either not enough or too much. I wasn’t skinny enough. I didn’t wear enough make up or wear my hair down enough. I didn’t dress nice or sexy enough. I didn’t take care of myself enough. The house was never clean enough, or if it was, I used the wrong smelling cleaner. The chicken was usually over cooked or the nachos didn’t have enough cheese. The dishes or laundry was never done often enough. We didn’t have sex enough, and when we did, it wasn’t good enough. I talked about God too much. I ate too much junk food. The list goes on.
I realize now that he just wasn’t happy in our marriage, and no matter what I did/didn’t do/could have done, none of it would have mattered.
Now, even though I’m out of that environment and much happier, I still find myself reverting to that mentality every so often. I don’t work so I feel like I don’t contribute enough. And a big one for me right now especially, is that I feel like I’m not spending enough time with God, and doing enough for him.
I love the Lord so much. I’ve tried to dedicate my entire life to him. To do what he wants me to do and be what he wants me to be. But I feel like it’s never enough. I know this feeling of not enough a lie from the enemy, and that God loves me and is so proud of me, regardless. But because I spend the majority of my day wandering around aimlessly, wondering what I’m doing with my life, praying and asking God what he wants me to do, I struggle with not being or doing enough. Am I praying enough? Am I reading the Bible enough? Do I watch too much TV instead? Am I talking to my kids about God enough? Am I worshipping enough? Am I grateful enough? Again, the list goes on.
I know this will pass. It always does. I tell myself that I’m doing everything I know to do and have given God my heart as often as I can. I trust him with everything in me. Most of the time. And when I struggle, I encourage myself in the Lord. Negative feelings come and go, and I know that it’s okay when they do come, as long as I don’t dwell on them for long. I know I’m in a season where God is working on my soul, pruning what shouldn’t be there. Crushing, pressing, making new wine. And he’s been so patient while I go through all of these thoughts and emotions. I just wish I was patient enough with myself as he is with me.