I feel like God wants me to write. Like that is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.
But I can’t figure out why. I’m not even that great of a writer. There’s a million writers and bloggers out there, what can I possibly contribute? You wouldn’t believe how often I stew over this. The Lord and I have had many conversations where I’ve asked him why. They’re more one sided though, because he doesn’t usually answer my ‘why’ questions. Apparently I’m supposed to figure it out on my own.
I procrastinate something awful. All the time. I can’t write, I need to clean the house. I need to do laundry. I need to make supper. My favourite show is on. I need to go get groceries. I feel guilty when I’m not writing, but I feel guilty when I’m writing and not spending time with my family.
Why is it such a battle? Why is it that when God calls us to do something, we want to do anything but?
I really am trying to do what God wants. I’m trying to think of things to write about, but right now Peppa Pig is on and I want to watch George eat his salad shaped like a dinosaur. He doesn’t like salad but he won’t get any chocolate cake if he doesn’t eat his salad. I feel ya, George. I don’t like salad either. But I do like chocolate cake. Probably a bit too much.
My brother-in-law makes an amazing chocolate cake with espresso in the cake batter and even more espresso in the cream cheese frosting in between the layers. Then he smothers it with a chocolate butter cream frosting on top, somewhat similar to mine, but a bit sweeter. It’s delicious. And the best part is, is that it has become tradition that he bakes me a cake every year for my birthday. He made this chocolate cake for me for a couple years, but then switched to an even better vanilla cake. This one is so delicious I wish it was my birthday every week. It has light and fluffy cream cheese, homemade caramel, tiramisu frosting inside with a delicious vanilla butter cream frosting on top. Then more of his homemade caramel sauce is poured over the top. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.
I was thinking about Jonah, from the Old Testament, the other day. For the longest time I couldn’t understand why he ran in the opposite direction when God called him to do something. He was supposed to go and preach to the people of Nineveh, but instead he ran the opposite way. Then he was swallowed by a fish, spit up after three days, and given a second chance to do what God originally asked him.
Do you know when the Lord spoke to me about writing a children’s book? 17 months ago. Did you also know that I’m just now in the process of uploading it to Amazon KDP? Not even 30 pages double sided, half of them illustrated, and it has taken me 17 months!
One of the Pastors from Gateway Church in Texas, Jimmy Evans, said in a podcast interview with Shawn Bolz that he never actually went to seminary, like every other minister. But the reason he’s done so much in ministry is because he goes where God tells him to go and does what God tells him to, no matter what. When I heard that, I thought to myself, well I do that, too! But I have since realized that I actually don’t do that at all. I often times fight tooth and nail when God asks me to do something. For example, he often wakes me up early in the morning so we can spend time together and I tell him I’m too tired and go back to sleep.
A few weeks ago I felt the Lord tell me that he wanted me to start doing more social media and little encouraging videos here and there. I actually laughed out loud. I hate social media with a passion and was doing everything I could to try and get away from it. And now he wants me to be on it more? I feel like that’s an oxymoron. But alas, I’ve started trying to do what I feel God wants me to do. And I don’t mean spend more time scrolling, I mean being more present, encouraging whoever will listen and watch. And most importantly, and more difficultly, trying to learn how to technologically do it all without throwing my computer through the window.
The feeling that I’m not a good writer is a lie. What I should be telling myself is that, like with everything else, the more I practice the better I’ll get. And yes, there are a million other bloggers out there. I am one of them now. But there are a million teachers, too. And as long as there are students, we’ll always need teachers. As long as people can read and have access to the internet, we need bloggers. Every one of them (us, I guess I mean to say now) has something to contribute, as we all have different spheres of influence.
So if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to my writing… but first let me just really quickly rake the yard, do a couple loads of laundry, make supper, clean my kitchen, do my hair….