I haven’t written anything in weeks because I want to try and be as positive as I can on my blog, and as much as I’ve been searching for the positive, I currently can’t seem to find it. And when I am feeling so down, my creativity goes down the toilet with it. My mind, soul and body are in survival mode, and there’s no room or energy for creativity and positivity. So instead, here’s some honesty.
It feels so selfish to be overwhelmed with my own issues when I know there are so many other conflicts going on in the world right now. And let’s be real, most of them never really get better, we just stop hearing about them because there’s something new and tragic happening somewhere else. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle that never seems to end.
I was going to start this part with something about ‘my ridiculous, petty problems,’ but I know so many of us have been here before. Some, probably numerous times. And that is the place in between the promise given and the promise fulfilled. It’s probably one of the hardest places to be. So it’s not actually petty at all. You can be full of faith and hope one minute and full of doubt and fear the next. Going from wondering if you heard God right to being sorry that you ever doubted. It’s hard to put into words all the feelings and thoughts a person can go through, even in just an hour. But I’m sure you understand.
God has given me some big promises. And I know that He’ll fulfill them like he said he would. But boy oh boy is it ever overwhelming. It all feels like too much. I feel like Peter, when Jesus called him out of the boat to walk on water. As he was walking toward Jesus he looked at the waves and started to doubt and sink, until Jesus took his hand and pulled him up. I can tell that when I take my eyes off Jesus and start looking at my waves, even if it’s just for a second, my waves of fear, doubt and depression start to overcome me, and I start sinking. I want to pack everything in and quit. I feel as if I can’t do it anymore. It’s not worth it.
I started to wonder how I got here and then I remembered that I asked Jesus purify me, to increase my faith, to use me in whatever way he wants to. I told him that I would follow him no matter what, that I would step out in faith no matter what that looks like. I asked for this. I told him that I would lay down my will for his will because I thought his will for me and his plans for me we’re better than I could imagine. And they are.
But I forgot about the in between. In Fact, I didn’t even know there would be an in between, not like this. I didn’t know there would be such a hard season beforehand that looks like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know that submitting to his will is completely dying to my own, over and over. I’ve heard that saying before many times, but I guess I just didn’t know the extent of it. I didn’t know me asking him to increase my faith meant him asking me to step out in obedience onto to what I thought was nothing, but at the same time expecting him to provide.
I went through a long, dark tunnel before, when I was single. And I guess I just thought that now that I’m married again, everything would be smooth sailing from here on out. I thought that all the promises were finally coming true and I could finally step in to what God has called me to do. But now, my husband and I are just going through the tunnel together. It’s caused us to grow stronger both individually and together, which is amazing. But now, instead of just me being tired, we’re both tired.
Remember that old song that we used to sing, Refiners Fire? I’ve been thinking about that song lately where it says, purify my heart, and I’ve come to realize that I never thought deeply about what that meant. Being refined is beyond hard and messy. Jesus told his disciples once that they didn’t know what they were asking for when they wanted to be seated beside him in glory and that they could drink the same cup as him. Jesus answered way more patiently than I would have, but I’m glad he did, because I’ve realized I’ve asked for the same thing. Refining means being in hard, fiery trials, so he can expose my impurities.
I’m noticing that there are things in my life and in my heart that the Lord is bringing to the surface, that I never thought were there. And things that are showing up that I thought I had already dealt with. There’s been ulterior motives, feelings of anger, bitterness, jealousy, pride. I’ve said probably a million times that I trust the Lord, but this time has made me question if I really do indeed trust him completely. And also, am I chasing after the one who promises or the promises themselves? If he doesn’t breakthrough for me, is he really as good as I’ve always thought? Is every gift from him actually perfect or are some of them broken? Sometimes the refining process for me is so hard that I even question who wins at the end. There have been nights where I just tell him that I’m done, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve hated this process of refining. I’ve hated people, myself, and God sometimes. Especially this week because I’m fasting sugar.
But something in my soul tells me to keep going for just a little bit longer. I can’t quit. I’ve come this far, and if being faithful means being obedient unto completion, that’s what I have to do. At this point I don’t even really feel like I’m doing anything other than trying to keep my head above water and keep myself encouraged. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. In the Psalms, King David had to encourage himself countless times. Things seemed pretty bleak for him at times, and there were times he wanted to quit, but as I read the Psalms more and more, I see how he never stayed in a depressed state of mind. He always trusted the Lord, no matter what.
I keep listening to podcasts about being thankful for the hard times because they’re opportunities for God to restore and rebuild. And when He does that, it’ll be so much better than what we could imagine. Some suggest to ask the Holy Spirit what He wants to be for you during this time or ask what he is trying to say. Some say that the greater the battle means the greater your destiny, or something like that. All of it is extremely humbling, that’s for sure!
I know I’m God’s daughter and I have experienced his goodness and kindness many, many times. I know he loves me and only wants what’s best for me (us). I know I need to pray with faith that he will answer. I know he will break through for me. I know I don’t need to be afraid. I know I can trust him with everything and be at complete peace and rest. I know I can expect great and amazing things from my heavenly Father. And I do.
If I’m honest, I guess I’m just tired of being in the in-between. And I think God is okay with it. He knows. He’s not offended with my questions and doubts. I know this because when I tell him how much it sucks, instead of getting frustrated with me, he showers me with more grace. He prompts someone to text me and let me know they’re praying for me. He encourages me with a song or a scripture. He speaks to me in dreams. He brings me a copious amount of groceries in the form of my wonderful mother-in-law. He paints me a beautiful sunset that I can see out my back window. He showers me with pure, unconditional love.
There’s no real theme to this post. I really just wanted to get my heart out on paper. Maybe offer myself, and you, if you need it, some encouragement. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And until our physical situations change, cling on to Jesus for dear life. He’s the only true light, anyways. In the grand scheme of things, it may not be a big deal. Compared to other places, we have it amazingly good. Yes, that’s true. But the beauty of God is that he cares about what’s going on in the world just as much as what’s going on in our hearts. Pretty cool, huh?
“Then I will say to my soul, “Don’t be discouraged; don’t be disturbed, for I fully expect my Saviour-God to break through for me.” Psalm 43:5